But the fact of the matter is they are actually aiding and abetting their loved ones addiction to continue.
To not allow them to pay the consequences for their actions is to become an accomplice with their addiction.
I remember having to inform a patient in a program I was working in that we were going to have to discharge him due to his urine screen coming back positive for opiates.
The first thing he said after I informed him of the positive screen and that we would be discharging him from the program was, “Why are you throwing me out of the program?!”
I’m throwing you out of the program? You knew what the policy was when you started the program, you chose to use opiates; therefore, you threw yourself out of the program. I had nothing to do with your decision.
If the person can acknowledge that fact, then they have an opportunity to get honest with themselves and move forward.
Co-Dependency can occur when a person with an active addiction begins to manipulate family and friends in order to keep their addiction running. For instance they might say they need money to get to work. Rather than giving them cash you might want to consider purchasing them a transportation pass instead.
I always have a concern when I see the manipulation/enablement dance. It is not healthy for either side nor productive towards truly helping a person to enter recovery.
You do not find a lot of alcoholics nor addicts in long-term mental facilities; this is where you can find their families and friends that have been trying to make sense out of their loved ones actions. They want to believe that this time will be different even though they are downplaying what they are actually experiencing and seeing.
It is so important for families and friends to seek help from addiction professionals and community supports such as Alanon when dealing with a loved one that has addiction issues. (Massachusetts: http://www.ma-al-anon-alateen.org/meetings.html)
In Co-Dependency one plus one equals one, rather than two. “I can’t live without him! I can’t live without her!” You mean you really would not want to, right? “NO, I CAN’T!!!” “They make me happy.” The question is can you be o.k. without being in a relationship? A healthy relationship with 'self' should come first, agree?
Many times I will find couples where one is an earth person (Non abuser of drugs/ alcohol) coupled to a spaceman (Active alcoholic/addict).
In these relationships one finds the Classic Enabler/Manipulator Dance. If the relationship was founded on this dynamic than it may well be over if the ‘spaceman’ gets into recovery.
I have had clients in early recovery tell of their partner getting on their case a couple of weeks into their recovery by saying things like, “All those years you put me through Hell,” “Now you are Captain AA/NA and I’m supposed to just forget the past!” What I have found in this instance often times is what the person is most upset by is the fact they lost their job as the “Enabler” and now they do not know where they stand in the relationship.
If the dynamic began later in a relationship both may decide to work things out and I would definitely refer them to a couples therapist with addiction experience.
Friends and Families at times ‘want’ recovery more than their loved one wants it for themselves. By not enabling them, hopefully, they will ‘want’ it for themselves and become vested in their own recovery.
